A Three Dog Life

Men.  Who needs them?  I’ve never understood them….they seem to be so needy…and so difficult to live with.

They have such ridiculous sexual needs…especially the older they get.  (I once had a female therapy client whose husband wanted her to clean the house naked every day.  What the hell?  Who wants to watch a sixty-something year old woman bending over, with nothing on,  to scrub the toilet?)

I recently decided to once again pay an agregious fee to join an online dating service…only to find that men in my age range just want to either take me fishing, or take me to bed, on our first date.  I can’t seem to stop yawning.

Here’s what I’ve done:  I’ve started responding to men by telling them about my worst habits.  “I tend to fart quite a bit.”  “If I sneeze more than three times in a row, my underpants are wet.”  “Yes, my hair is beautiful…but it’s a wig, because actually, I’m nearly bald.”

Have you ever gone onto these websites?  Please try it just once.  Every man (or woman, probably) wants you to believe that they are kind, caring, smart, full of integrity and just waiting to meet your every need.  I could puke from all of this.

Give me a man who says, “Yeh, I fart after a good meal.”…and “I really don’t want to play with your grandchildren.”…and “I haven’t had a good erection since Clinton was in office.”

The truth is that we’re all lonely…and imperfect…and hoping against hope that someone will find us interesting enough to want to meet us and possibly fill up the horrible empty place inside.

I have false teeth.  I wear wigs because I’m nearly bald.  I wet my pants when I cough, sneeze, or laugh.  I’m almost 65 yrs old.  I’m a total pain in the ass when in a bad mood.  But, hey, I’m sort of interesting.  And I know how to be a good friend…how to be there for you when life is kicking your ass.

Interested?

Peace to you all.

PJ