Apparently my father was quite the ladies man. Three marriages and multiple girlfriends before and in-between. He was 56 years old when I was born, while my mother was in her late twenties. (Go Daddy!)
Unfortunately, his parenting skills weren’t quite as strong as his romantic inclinations. I find that easier to understand and accept now that I’m the age he was when I was ten. He was ready to retire and enjoy a much-deserved rest, and here he had to deal with a pre-teen and all of her “interesting” behavioral issues. (Like sneaking his cigarettes….yes, at age 10. Dear god.)
Unable to cope with all of that along with the impending death of wife number three, my father decided to put me in someone else’s care.
So, just before my 12th birthday, Daddy sent me to live in foster care three hours from home. After that I saw him only twice a year. I can thank him for that now….who knows where I’d have wound up otherwise….but then it felt like the ultimate rejection.
After his first stroke, when I was 19, my father went to live with my sister. While visiting one day I heard his cane banging on the floor above me. His signal that he needed something. I went to his room where he proceeded to direct me to a wooden box on his dresser. This box held several fifty-cent pieces. He told me to take them, and said, “I don’t have anything else to give you.”
That was his way of saying ‘I love you’, something he’d never been able to express in words.
So, here we are, all these years later, and I’m thinking of my sons and their relationships with their own fathers. These men also had difficulty verbalizing their love…and also committed their sons’ care to someone else in order to get their own emotional needs met. I spent many years feeling angry about this, but now I just feel sad for these men…one now dead…who never really knew the amazing, intelligent, talented and gentle men they created.
Father’s Day is, of course, about remembering and honoring our dads. But, I guess I want to send a message to you fathers: Please try to honor your children…to let them know how important they are to you, and how much you love them. They desparately need that from you.
Peace.
Pat
